I remember that night like it was yesterday. The night those forsaken engines roared with the least intention of ending my life. The night my dad almost ran me over. I remember being violently thrown across the street as my conscious flickered. I remember the impact on my lower body, i remember feeling like my organs quite literally werent part of me. I remember the screeching tires as the car hurled itself to a stop while my world slowed into a blur. I remember the contact with the ground, a hard thud that lead me to cough out a chunk of velvet blood,the utter confusion and numbness I was subjcted to, staring at the sky replaying that momment as I blacked out.
Now here i was, once again staring straight above me, this time with a medcal mask rested on my thrashed face. I felt so ugly. The mask was supposed to sedate me with anesthesia yet no matter how many breaths i take, i couldnt inhale any foreign gas. I was starting to get worried. After some time, I finally started to get drowsy and I eased slightly. I closed my eyes yet no sleep came, the nurses arrived before I fell asleep. I tried to tell them but i couldn't move a muscle, not even my lips. I started to panic as i heard them obliviously talk about their weekend plans and their families.. Surely they'll notice soon, right?
They never did.
I didnt even have the will to tense up, i was literally trapped inside my own body as if it was some kind of weight attached to my soul. I couldn't open my eyes either, it was like they were taped shut, but ever so lightly, like i just needed one more tug. I felt numb all over, or atleast i thought i did. That's when I felt it. The blade carefully tearing my skin apart, calculated with such measure it was light work. The pain was so excrutiating I felt my dead weight shudder. Every nerve in my body felt that cut yet there was nothing I could do about it.
They started with my intestine. The nudged it carefully to put it back in place, It hurt so much i was sure I was going to die right then and there. My body felt like it was being torn apart just by the introduction of that change. I didn't even have enough time to process the violation to my systems when they started dividing my muscle layers with a scapel. I don't think there is any set of words I can use to describe the pure white-hot pain I felt when they parted my ribcage to better access my lungs and heart. It felt like they were hammering the sides of my body to straighten it out. It felt like they were deforming my ribs, twisting my fragile bones.
The images of my family, my hobbies, my friends and everything I held close to my heart, the heart that was actively being torn apart, flickered in my mind just like before. The memory of the contact I made with my fathers car still fresh on my soul. I felt like prey, helpless. My end was near, the human body isn't supposed to go through this much torment, I could tell. What I wondered most despite all this is, if the surgeons were proffessionals, how could they not tell my obvious abnormal heartbeat caused by the burn I was stuck in?
Every fibre of my being was pushing, my brain in a daze trying to alert these "heroes" that I could feel every little thing. I tried to scream but it just echoed in my head. All my life I have been useless, but never have i been so desperate to function like a normal human being. At this point I was praying I would just naturally pass out from the agony I was ailing from. Every slice, every cut, every procedure, it ached. It was torture. I felt like my insides were being rearranged and throbbed in oil. I felt like i was being slaughtered with such precision it was sadistic. And to make things worse, the faint sound of the nurses giggling as they destroyed me was all i had to distract myself. Then, i heard it. "We know your awake."